Physicists Confirm Kitchen-Table Theory That Locals Both Have And Do Not Have A Plan

SOMEWHERE IN THE BALKANS — Physicists announced Sunday that they had confirmed a long-held kitchen-table theory that residents of the region exist in a quantum state in which they simultaneously have a plan and do not have a plan, until observed.

“Our instruments showed a man who was going to fix the balcony door this weekend and was also never going to fix the balcony door,” said the lead researcher, who has also been going to fix her balcony door since 2011. “Both states are real. Both are load-bearing.”

The team found that the superposition collapses instantly when a relative asks “and what are you going to do with your life?”, at which point the subject is observed to have had a plan all along, and to have been just about to start it, tomorrow.

The study also confirmed a local uncertainty principle: one may know where a person is, or when they will arrive, but never both. A constant, provisionally named polako, governs the speed at which all things happen, and was found to be lower than the speed of light but higher than the speed of a government office (see Window 7).

Critics questioned the paper’s methods, noting that it was written over four years, three of which were spent drinking coffee “to think about it.” The authors replied that this was the method.

The team now plans to investigate a second phenomenon, in which a guest says he is “just stopping by for five minutes” and is observed leaving six hours later with a jar of something homemade.