Bike Horn Shortage Enters Third Shift; Clowns Forced To Say ‘Honk’ Out Loud

CARGO BAY — The station’s bike horn shortage entered its third consecutive shift on Monday, forcing members of the clown community to say the word “honk” out loud, a practice elders describe as “humiliating” and “basically mime behaviour.”

“I had to look a man in the eye and say ‘honk’ with my mouth,” said one clown, visibly shaken. “Like an animal. Like a goose.”

The Quartermaster blamed supply-chain issues. “We ordered forty horns,” he said. “We received forty boxes. Every box contained a smaller box containing a banana peel. We are investigating.” The investigation was briefly paused when the Quartermaster slipped on the evidence.

A black market has emerged in the maintenance tunnels, where horns now trade for up to 40 cabbages apiece. Futures contracts on next shift’s honks are said to be “extremely volatile.” One trader described a counterfeit horn that “honks, but sadly.”

Meanwhile, the Captain’s spare ID, missing since Tuesday, was located in the left shoe of a clown named Pickles, size 34. Pickles said he had “no idea how it got there” and that he had “never once opened every door on the station at 3 a.m.” The station logs show every door on the station opening at 3 a.m.

Security has announced an amnesty for anyone who returns a horn, a policy that clowns say would be more convincing if the amnesty desk were not located inside the brig.