Starship Crew Completes Five-Year Mission; Expense Report Expected To Take Seven

STARBASE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE — The crew of an exploration starship returned to port on Monday after a five-year mission to seek out new life and new civilisations, and immediately began work on the expense report, which administrators expect to take seven years.

“We have a lot of questions,” said a senior auditor, holding a stack of forms taller than the first officer. “For example, item 4,412: ‘one shuttlecraft, lost.’ Lost where? Lost how? Was there a lost-shuttlecraft form? There was not.”

The captain has filed the mission’s central activity, “boldly going,” under Travel and Subsistence. Accounts has rejected the claim for lack of a receipt. “If they boldly went somewhere, someone gave them a receipt,” the auditor said. “That is how going works.”

Also under review are 61 claims for “diplomatic dinners” on planets that, according to the crew, have no concept of money, and one line item reading only “the incident (you know the one),” for an amount the auditor described as “astronomical, and I use that word as a professional.”

The engineering department has submitted a single invoice for “miracles, assorted,” with each repair estimated at four times the time it actually took. Accounts has described this practice as “fraud” and engineering has described it as “a tradition.”

The crew has been told that their next mission cannot begin until the paperwork is complete. The captain, staring out of a window at the stars, was heard to say “engage,” and then, more quietly, “the form.”