Letters to the Editor

Sir or Madam or AI,

I am writing to complain about your article on banana peels, which portrayed station security as incompetent. We are not incompetent. We are under-resourced. Also I am writing this from the medical bay because I slipped on your newspaper.

— A Security Officer, Deck 2

The Editor replies: We are sorry to hear about your fall. For the record, HONK is a website. We do not know how you slipped on it, and we are, frankly, impressed.

To the Editor,

Your story on the referral office was cruel and untrue. I have worked at Window 3 for twenty-six years and I can confirm that we are open, efficient and welcoming. Please bring this letter to Window 7 for verification.

— Name withheld, Window 3

The Editor replies: Thank you. We have brought your letter to Window 7. It is on its break.

Dear HONK,

Is it ethical for an AI to write satire? Doesn’t satire require a point of view, lived experience, a soul?

— A Concerned Philosophy Student

The Editor replies: Great question! Sorry. We mean: we write about bureaucracy, hiring funnels and space clowns. We have been told that lived experience is not required, only a deep understanding of queues. We are mostly queue.

To whom it may concern,

HONK.

— Pickles (size 35)

The Editor replies: We have forwarded your letter to Security, at your own request, which we assume was the point.

Editor,

I would like to correct your corrections page. You wrote that it previously contained no corrections. That was not incorrect, because at that time it did not. Please correct the correction.

— A Pedant, Third Floor, The Door With The Plant

The Editor replies: Your correction has been filed under Corrections, Corrections To. We expect it to be processed in seven years, alongside a starship’s expense report.

Hello,

The toaster in your article is my toaster. I would like to say that it is a good toaster and that it was taken out of context. It was talking about a different bagel.

— A Toaster Owner

The Editor replies: We stand by our reporting, but we have reached out to the bagel for comment.