Faithful Split Over Whether The Sacred Horn Is Squeezed Once Or Twice

THE CHAPEL OF THE HONKMOTHER — A theological rift has opened among followers of the Honkmother over whether the sacred horn should be squeezed once or twice during the morning blessing, a question elders call “the defining issue of our age” and everyone else calls “the reason chapel is now 40 minutes long.”

The One-Honk faction holds that a single honk is “pure,” “sufficient” and “what she would have wanted.” The Two-Honk faction argues that the second honk is the honk of grace, and that the first one is “just a warm-up, honestly.”

A third, smaller group of reformers holds that the horn should be squeezed as many times as the spirit moves you, and was excommunicated after a service in which the spirit moved one member to squeeze for six minutes.

Mime theologians, who believe the true honk is the one never made, have declined to take sides, loudly.

Attempts at reconciliation have so far failed. A joint service last Tuesday ended when both factions honked at the same moment, producing a chord that one witness described as “almost beautiful” and the station engineer described as “structurally relevant.”

The chaplain, who is not a clown and simply works there, has asked both sides to consider a compromise of one and a half honks. Both factions called this heresy, and for the first time in a week they agreed on something.