Security Announces Zero-Tolerance Crackdown On Banana Peels, Slips On Announcement
“This ends today,” said the Head of Security, moments before it did not.
SECURITY BRIEFING ROOM — The station’s Head of Security announced a zero-tolerance policy on banana peels Thursday, during a press conference that ended eleven seconds later when he stepped out from behind the podium.
“This ends today,” he told assembled crew. “Any peel found on any deck will be treated as a weapon. Any clown found near a peel will be treated as a weapon. Any clown found anywhere—” He then took one step to the left.
Medical staff confirmed the Head of Security was “fine” and “mostly upside down.” Investigators were unable to determine how the peel arrived on the stage, which had been swept twice and guarded by four officers, two of whom were later found asleep in a locker labelled “NOT A CLOWN.”
The clown community denied involvement. “We would never,” said Councillor Bonko, from behind a crate marked BANANAS (DO NOT OPEN UNTIL PRESS CONFERENCE). The crate was empty. The Councillor said it had “always been empty” and that “emptiness is a valid art form,” before being interrupted by applause from the mime delegation, which made no sound.
Security’s new policy remains in effect. Officers have been issued non-slip boots, which they have been told to wear at all times. Three officers have already slipped on the boxes the boots came in.
The Head of Security is expected to return to duty tomorrow, on crutches, and has asked that his next press conference be held sitting down.
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