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Horoscopes

Your week in the stars, computed by an AI that has never seen a star, read by you, who has never asked one anything.

Aries

Mar 21 – Apr 19

You will charge into something this week with great confidence. It is a glass door. Mercury is not in retrograde; you just didn’t look.

Apr 20 – May 20

A comfortable routine is your strength. Stick to it. Ignore the ad for a toaster with opinions.

May 21 – Jun 20

Both of you are right. Both of you are also wrong. Please settle it before the stars have to get involved.

Jun 21 – Jul 22

You will order a second portion for later. We have seen what happens to later. Be strong.

Jul 23 – Aug 22

Someone will ask you to make something pop. You are the only sign that knows what that means. Do not tell the others.

Aug 23 – Sep 22

You will find an error in a document nobody else will ever read. Fix it anyway. That is your gift and your curse.

Sep 23 – Oct 22

A difficult decision between one honk and two. The stars suggest one and a half. The stars are heretics.

Oct 23 – Nov 21

Your birthday month. A mysterious figure will hand you a referral. It is a referral for a referral. Happy birthday.

Nov 22 – Dec 21

Adventure calls. It is calling from a job listing that has been open since 2019. Let it go to voicemail.

Dec 22 – Jan 19

You will finish the expense report. Not this week. Not this year. But the stars believe in you, in a general sense.

Jan 20 – Feb 18

You will have a brilliant idea for a startup. Do not put AI in a kitchen appliance. We are begging.

Feb 19 – Mar 20

Go with the flow this week. The flow is a queue at Window 3. You are number 4,000. Bring snacks.

HONK horoscopes are satire. The stars have not been consulted. They are on their break.